Steamed Hams, but It's a Twine Game

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[[BEGIN GAME|intro]] [[SKIP INTRO|escape explanation]] [[CREDITS]]

{ <audio src="audio/doorbell.mp3" autoplay> }(font: "simpsonfont")[Ding Dong!] You are Principal Skinner, and for no apparent reason you have invited your school's overseer - Superintendent Chalmers - to your home to enjoy a meal. You have even given him directions. You aren't certain //why// you did this, exactly. You have nothing in particular to gain from this interaction, Chalmers' opinion of you is almost entirely negative, and he has given you no reason to expect that a roast dinner would do anything to improve it. He is at the door now. Will you... [[Answer the door.]] [[Pretend not to be home.]]

<video src="video/chalmskinn.mp4" width=100% height=100% autoplay> </video>(live: 3.2s)[(goto: "doorbell")]

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{ <audio src="audio/despite_your_directions.mp3" autoplay> }"Well, Seymour, I made it. //Despite// your directions." "Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!" Chalmers gives a noncommital grunt and sits down at the dinner table. [[Check on your roast.]] [[Flee your house.]]

{ <audio src="audio/big_no.mp3" autoplay> }You are trapped, able to do nothing but eat your mother's delicious preserves and maintain your sanity by dribbling a nearby basketball with your one free hand. You make a game of it, seeing how many times you can bounce the ball in a day and then trying to break that record. (Let this be a lesson to recycle frequently.) **THE END** (display: "end")

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<video src="video/my_roast_is_ruined.mp4" width=100% height=100% autoplay> </video>(live: 6s)[(goto: "kitchen")]

The roast is unsalvageable. You must devise another course of action... [[Purchase fast food and disguise it as your own cooking.]] [[Use the leftover spaghetti sauce in your fridge to make sloppy joes.]] [[Admit your mistake to Superintendent Chalmers.]]

{ <audio src="audio/window_open.mp3" autoplay> }Ho ho ho ho! Delightfully devilish, Seymour! However, just as you are preparing to clamber out the window, Superintendent Chalmers enters the kitchen. [[This will take some explaining...]]

{ (set: $food to "sloppy joes") }

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<video src="video/theme.mp4" width=100% height=100% autoplay> </video>(live: 15s)[(goto: "escape explanation")]

{ <audio src="audio/i_was_just.mp3" autoplay> }"Superintendent! I was just... [[...stretching my calves on the windowsill!"]] [[...trying to let a little air into the room."]] [[...popping out for a few last-minute ingredients."]]

{ <audio src="audio/isometric_exercise.mp3" autoplay> }"Isometric exercise! Care to join me?" [[Chalmers declines to answer.|smoke]]

You flap your hand at the smoke to demonstrate that this is exactly why he discovered you halfway out the window. You only hope he doesn't ask the obvious question... (display: "smoke")

{ <audio src="audio/smoke.mp3" autoplay> }"Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?" [["That isn't smoke!"]] [["That's...why I need new ingredients.|"I burned the roast but didn't want to disappoint you."]]

{ <audio src="audio/smoke.mp3" autoplay> }"Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?" [["That isn't smoke!"]] [["I added hickory chips for extra flavour."]] [["I burned the roast but didn't want to disappoint you."]]

{ <audio src="audio/that_isn't_smoke.mp3" autoplay> }"It's... [[...steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having."]] [[...fog from the fog machine I installed in my oven."]] [[...aurora borealis."]]

{ (set: $smokeExcuse to "hickory chips") }

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{ <audio src="audio/steamed_clams.mp3" autoplay> (set: $smokeExcuse to "steam") }Fortunately, your ruse is successful. [[Superintendent Chalmers returns to the table.]]

{ (set: $smokeExcuse to "fog") }

{ (set: $smokeExcuse to "aurora borealis") }

<video src="video/chalmers_leaves_kitchen.mp4" width=100% height=100% autoplay> </video>(live: 5s)[(goto: "krusty burger")]

[[RESTART|intro]] [[RETURN TO TITLE|Start]]

Well, today is not going well. To get your mind off this embarrassment, you begin bundling your old newspapers. [[But suddenly the pile falls!|newspaper end]]

"Welcome to Krusty Burger," says the squeaky-voiced teen at the counter. "May I take your order?" (link: "Hamburgers")[(set: $food to "hamburgers")(goto: "back home")] (link: "Fish Sandwiches")[(set: $food to "fish sandwiches")(goto: "back home")] (link: "Whatchamacarcass Sandwiches")[(set: $food to "whatchamacarcass sandwiches")(goto: "back home")]

{ (set: $food to "none") (set: $smokeExcuse to "none") }

You purchase a large quantity of $food and carry them home. { (if: $food is "hamburgers" or $food is "whatchamacarcass sandwiches")[ [[Present the meal to Chalmers|mouthwatering hamburgers]]] (else:)[ [[Present the meal to Chalmers.]]] }

(unless: $food is "hamburgers" or $food is "whatchamacarcass sandwiches")["Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering $food!" ](if: $smokeExcuse is "steam")[{ <audio src="audio/i_thought_we_were_having_steamed_clams.mp3" autoplay> }"I thought we were having steamed clams." You desperately need an explanation. [[Claim that you said "steamed hams."]] [[Claim that the steamed clams are in the (display: "food")|Claim that the steamed clams are in the sandwiches.]] (if: $food is "sloppy joes")[{ }[[Claim that "steamed clams" is slang for sloppy joes.]] ][[Suggest that Chalmers must have misheard.|Chalmers looks suspicious.]]](else:)[{ }[[Chalmers looks suspicious.]]]

<video src="video/presenting_hamburgers.mp4" width=100% height=100% autoplay> </video>(live: 5s)[(goto: "Present the meal to Chalmers.")]

{ <audio src="audio/i_said_steamed_hams.mp3" autoplay> }"Oh, no. I said steamed //hams//! That's what I call (display: "food")" { (if: $food is "hamburgers" or "whatchamacarcass sandwiches")[ [[Chalmers isn't buying it.]]] (else:)[ [[Chalmers immediately sees through you.]]] }

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{ <audio src="audio/you_call_hamburgers.mp3" autoplay> }You call hamburgers "steamed hams?" [[Claim that it is a regional dialect.|regional dialect]] [[Act surprised that Chalmers has never heard the phrase.]]

"Who on earth would call (display: "food") steamed hams? What's really going on here?" [[Admit you burnt the roast.]] [[Cluck like a chicken.]] [[Insist it is a regional dialect.|regional dialect]]

(if: $food is "whatchamacarcass sandwiches")[hamburgers!](else:)[$food]

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You, uh... You do that. It goes about as well as you could possibly have hoped. Which is to say not well at all. **THE END** (display: "end")

{ <audio src="audio/regional_dialect_extended.mp3" autoplay> }"Yes. It's a regional dialect." "Uh-huh. What region?" "Uhhh... Upstate New York." "Really? Well, I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams.'" "Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression." "I see." { (unless: $food is "whatchamacarcass sandwiches")[ [[Chalmers takes a bite.]]] (else:)[ [[Chalmers takes a bite.|whatchamacarcass fatality]]] }

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(if: $food is "hamburgers")[{ <audio src="audio/quite_similar.mp3" autoplay> }]"You know," says Chalmers, after a pause, "these (display: "food") are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger." [[Insist they are a family recipe.]] [[Claim you used to work at Krusty Burger.]] [[Point out that all (display: "food") are much the same.|much the same]]

The whatchamacarcass sandwich is tainted, and Superintendent Chalmers immediately succumbs to some kind of carcass poisoning. Good thing you didn't eat any! **THE END** (display: "end")

{ <audio src="audio/hohohoho_no.mp3" autoplay> }"Ho ho ho ho no! Patented Skinner (if: $food is "hamburgers")[burgers](else:)[(display: "food")]. Old family recipe." "...for steamed hams?" [[Yes.]]

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{ <audio src="audio/obviously_grilled.mp3" autoplay> }"Yes, and you call them 'steamed hams' despite the fact they are obviously grilled." [[Make an excuse to leave.]] [[Argue that grilling is a kind of steaming.]]

{ <audio src="audio/excuse_me.mp3" autoplay> }"Ye-eh... You know th- One thing I sh-" You give up. "Excuse me for one second." "Of course," says Chalmers. [[Return to the kitchen.]]

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The kitchen is on fire. It is really, //really// on fire. [[Immediately return to the table.]] [[Wait at least a little bit so it doesn't look weird.]]

You figure there are two ways of dealing with this. [[Announce that there is a fire in the kitchen and that Chalmers should definitely leave.]] [[Gently prompt Chalmers to leave in the hopes that you can get the fire under control after he's gone.]]

Nope. The kitchen is on fire. You literally cannot stay. [[Immediately return to the table.]]

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<video src="video/what_is_happening_in_there.mp4" width=100% height=100% autoplay> </video>(live: 10s)[(goto: "fire excuse")]

Chalmers has seen the flames coming from your kitchen. [[Explain that there is a fire in the kitchen and suggest the two of you retreat to a safe distance to await the fire service.|Announce that there is a fire in the kitchen and that Chalmers should definitely leave.]] [[Claim that it is just a little smoky from your cooking.]] [[Aurora borealis.]]

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<video src="video/aurora_borealis.mp4" width=100% height=100% autoplay> </video>(live: 10s)[(goto: "aurora excuse")]

[[Yes.|aurora yes]] [[Oh, no. I said a drawer of faulty cameras.]]

{ <audio src="audio/may_i_see_it.mp3" autoplay> }"May I see it?" asks Chalmers. [[Yes.|see it yes]] [[No.|see it no]]

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{ <audio src="audio/no.mp3" autoplay> }"No." [[You show Chalmers to the door.]]

<video src="video/chalmers_leaves.mp4" width=100% height=100% autoplay> </video>(live: 18s)[(goto: "final end")]

**THE END** (display: "end")