The Royal Mystery Shopper

(align: "=><=")[''CHAPTER ONE: FLOGGIT AND SONS''] The rusting bell above the door trankles (it's well beyond its twinkling heyday) as you step into the shop, a dark figure silhouetted against the door's grubby glass. [["Service, shopkeep!"]] [["Ahem hem,"]] [[Stay silent]]

Your voice sounds too loud in this cramped space, even though you were hardly shouting. You'd heard that the shop was small, but its tiny proportions have surpassed your expectations. [[You hear someone move in the next room.]]

Your polite throat clearing meets with only silence. Were you too quiet, or is the shopkeeper too busy with important stocktaking to realise he has a customer? You stand and wait. You will count to 10, and then leave. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... [[You hear someone move in the next room.]]

You remain silent. You can almost hear the dust falling onto the floor around your feet. You wipe the toe of your boot across the rough floorboard beneath you, not surprised by the quite different colour of the wood under the grime. [[You hear someone move in the next room.]]

"I'll be right with you!", comes a voice from somewhere out back. The Floggit and Sons Fyne Fayre shop had a reputation for being the only business in town with an 'out back' area that was ten times the size of the shop floor. [[Gossip can be so useful for your work.]]

Rumour had it that Mr Floggit Senior insisted on thoroughly inspecting every item of Fyne Fayre stock. You heard a local woman in the market in say Mr Floggit did this "in the interests of keeping quality high", while winking theatrically at her friend. According to the woman, this inspection usually consisted of about three bottles of wine and a pound of cheese a day. [[Thorough indeed.]]

No doubt his inspection habit is the reason he made the wise move of turning half the shop into a bedroom for his frequent naps. As he steps blearily into the room, you get the impression that the trankling bell had awoken him from his most recent nap. Brought on by a particularly good bottle of Rusthill cherry wine, no doubt. [[Step into the light]] [[Stay in the gloom]]

(set: $faceVisible to true) You take a step forward, suddenly bathed in the weak pool of light that has somehow managed to make its way through the grimy window. Mr Floggit pulls on his apron and smiles sleepily at you. "And what can I do for you on this splendid afternoon, madam? I can assure you, we have only the finest wares here," he says, gesturing at the sparsely stocked shelves behind the counter. [[Try to keep a straight face]] [[Give a hollow laugh]]

(set: $faceVisible to false) You know you have a better chance of completing your mission successfully if Floggit cannot see your expression. Looking at the state of this shop, there's no way you'll be able to avoid a look of disgust transforming your features. [[Maintain a stony silence]]

You think back to your training, determined not to give yourself away. But you're only human, despite your royal position, and an amused smile creeps onto your face. Mr Floggit has never been one for picking up on the subtle emotions of women. He reckons he has probably experienced about three different emotions in he course of his life, and that was plenty. [[He takes your smile for one of enchantment.]]

Your laugh usually acts as a warning sign for businesses that are in imminent danger of failing your mystery shopping inspection. Sadly, Mr Floggit has never been one for picking up on subtle signals. He likes his friends to be people who say exactly what they mean using words of fewer than three syllables. [[He thinks you must be laughing with joy.->He takes your smile for one of enchantment.]]

You look at the few wares that are scattered on the shelves, and try to make out what they might be. [["What kind of candied fruits do you have?"]] [[Ask about their chutneys]] [[Look at the half-empty wine shelf]]

The musty smell is almost overpowering, but you manage to stop yourself sputtering as a speck of dust catches in the back of your throat. Mr Floggit is not used to dealing with silence, and starts to look uncomfortable. You should take care not to be too obvious.(set: $floggitSuspicious to 1) [[You don't want him to realise who you are.->He takes your smile for one of enchantment.]]

(set: _history to (history:))Your voice contains no trace of an accent. You're quite proud of this achievement, especially since you heard this town is famous for a three-hour tavern brawl that broke out over the correct way to pronounce 'chutney'. "Oh, you're in luck, madam. We have candied quince, cherries, and gooseberries. We did have damsons too, but I inspected the jars that came in yesterday, so now I'm waiting for another delivery. They passed my inspection, I can tell you!" $faceVisible[Mr Floggit smiles at you, but your face does not flicker.] (else:)[Mr Floggit smiles at you. He must think you are smiling too. The poor man.] [[Ask for a jar of cherries.]]

(set: _history to (history:))"Can you tell me about your chutneys?" (if: _history contains "Ask for a jar of cherries.")[ You feel a little smug, knowing that you managed to utter 'chutneys' in a way that was unlike the two contested pronunciations and yet just like both of them. Mr Floggit stares at you for a moment.](else:)[Mr Floggit stares at you for a moment.] "Er... Of course. Well, they are chutneys, see. And, er, they're made of apples." How enlightening. You've got other inspections to see to today, so you shouldn't string him along for too long, no matter how much you enjoy it. (if: _history contains "Ask for a jar of cherries.")[ [[Look at the half-empty wine shelf]]](else:)[ [["What kind of candied fruits do you have?"]] [[Look at the half-empty wine shelf]] ]

A tiny movement in the corner of your eye draws your attention. Did something just move up there? Behind the bottle of plum wine with the faded label? If that was what you think it was... your mission could be complete. [[Ask to see the bottle of wine.]]

"May I take a closer look at that bottle of plum wine? I can't quite make out the label." (if: $floggitSuspicious is 1)["Of course, madam. But that's just a... display model. I think I have a few more bottles out back. One moment." Floggit vanishes, leaving you to quietly fume. Is he onto you? If you can't convince a clearly drunk and not particularly bright man that you're an ordinary customer, you're in real trouble. [[Fume a little more.]]](else:)["Of course, madam. Allow me." Floggit reaches for the plum wine and places it rather clumsily on the counter, almost tipping it over. While he tries to steady the rocking bottle, you glance at the shelf. [[There. A mouse.]]]

There must be dozens of Shopkeeper's Charter violations here. You only need to find one to shut him down. (unless: $faceVisible)[It's time to be seen. You step forwards into the light.] You re-arrange your scowling features into your customary blank expression as Floggit steps back into the room. [[A great idea flashes into your mind.]]

A very grubby, dusty looking mouse. It looks well fed and quite at home. You've got him now. [[Make your excuses and leave.]]

You leave the shop as swiftly as you can without attracting too much attention. You walk across the market square and step into a dim alleyway. After knocking on a barely visible door halfway down, it opens and you hasten inside. Striding over to your desk, you breathe a sigh of relief and sit down. The Royal Mystery Shopper's office is the only place where you are allowed to be yourself. [[It's time to write your report.]]

"I say, I don't suppose I could taste the wine? I'm looking to buy a whole case for a family party next month, and I want to make sure I choose the right wine." You smile sweetly. "Why, I would be only too pleased to open a bottle for you to try." Floggit busies himself finding a glass, wiping it down, and opening the bottle with the ease of a seasoned drinker. [[It's like watching a master at work.]]

(set: _history to (history:))"I would like a jar of candied cherries, please." "Certainly. That'll be a farthing." Floggit busies himself fetching the jar down from the shelf and handing it to you before re-arranging the remaining three jars. You seize your chance to open the candied cherries and take a look inside. (if: (random: 1,2) is 1)[Just as you suspected. Filled with mould. You hastily replace the lid before the stench escapes. You've got him now. [[Make your excuses and leave.]] ](else:)[You can't believe it. The candied cherries look perfect. Not a trace of mould. There must be a violation here somewhere. (if: _history contains "Ask about their chutneys")[ [[Look at the half-empty wine shelf]]](else:)[ [[Ask about their chutneys]] [[Look at the half-empty wine shelf]]] ]

He pours a small measure of plum wine into your glass. "Here you are. I think you will appreciate the wonderful balance of sweetness and bite. They have a secret recipe, so I'm told." "How fascinating," you say, trying your best to sound enthralled. [[You take a tiny sip.]]

The wine is good, though you shouldn't be surprised. Floggit wouldn't sell anything that didn't live up to his rigorous standards. You look up at him. "I don't like to drink alone. Won't you join me?" Floggit's face lights up. As if from nowhere, he produces a second glass and places it on the counter. Where was he keeping it? [["If you insist, madam. I will gladly keep you company."]]

You take another miniscule sip as you watch Floggit pour a large measure into his glass and gulp more than half of it down. "It is rather delicious, but could I trouble you try a different fruit wine, so I have something to compare it against?" Floggit nods and drains his glass. [["Coming right up!"]]

After a few moments out the back, he reappears, brandishing a slightly larger bottle. "Apple brandy. There's nothing quite like it." Noticing that you haven't yet finished your plum wine, he finds you a new glass and splashes so much apple brandy into it that you can't lift the glass without spilling some of the golden liquid. [[He pours just as much for himself.]]

"To your health, madam". His glass is empty again within moments. Twenty minutes later, five practically full glasses sit in front of you on the counter. Floggit's glass is on its side, and he is clutching the counter with a glossy smile on his face. [[It won't be long now.]]

"Madam, if you will 'scuse me, I need to check on shomething out back. I shan't be a moment." He staggers through the doorway and disappears. You wait patiently for the sound you were hoping for. There it is. Floggit snores loudly. Drunk during opening hours. [[You have him now. ->Make your excuses and leave.]]

As you pull out your parchment and start making notes about the violations you witnessed at Floggit and Sons, you almost feel bad for the proprietor. But he does not deserve his place on the high street if he cannot keep to the Shopkeeper's Charter. Perhaps a change will do him good. Your orders come from the Queen, after all. [[Chapter Two]]

(align: "=><=")[''CHAPTER TWO: THE HUNTSMAN'S ARMS''] You watch specks of dust dance in the thin beam of light that spills onto the floor of The Huntsman's Arms. It's almost pretty. "Jane! What are you staring at? Those tankards aren't going to collect themselves." Griff Clackson, the landlord, turns to the only patron in the tavern, who sniggers at your boss's weak attempt at humour. [[Sigh and walk to the next table.]]

You've never enjoyed clearing the tables after what Griff likes to call the 'lunchtime rush', but today was even slower than usual. Three customers. Once you've tidied up after them, you're facing at least four hours of absolute boredom until the 'evening rush' starts. [[Clear the table by the window]] [[Clear the table by the bar]] [[Clear the table by the fireplace]]

(set: _history to (history:))You stand for a moment, letting the light from the window warm your tired face. "Ahem. How's about those tankards, young lady?" For goodness sake. All you want is a little peace. You pick up the half-empty tankard and wipe a few crumbs from the table. You walk over to the bar and place the tankard on it with an audible thump. Right, what's next? (if: _history contains "Clear the table by the fireplace" and not (_history contains "Clear the table by the bar"))[ [[Clear the table by the bar]] ](else-if: not (_history contains "Clear the table by the bar") and not (_history contains "Clear the table by the fireplace"))[ [[Clear the table by the fireplace]] ](else:)[ [[Clear the table by the bar]] [[Clear the table by the fireplace]] ]

You don't understand how someone can make so much mess with just one tankard of ale and a plate of pork scratchings. Still, you can make this task last a while. Your boss won't notice; he's deep in conversation with Albert, the biggest gossip in town. [[Pick up the tankard]] [[Pick up the plate]] [[Eavesdrop on the conversation]]

(set: _history to (history:)) You can't help but drag your feet as you cross the tavern floor, kicking up little gusts of sawdust in your wake. The fireplace has been out of action for months, ever since a stray cat got stuck in the chimney. None of the local chimney sweeps can be persuaded to clear that particular blockage. (if: _history contains "Clear the table by the bar" and not (_history contains "Clear the table by the window"))[ [[Clear the table by the window]] ](else-if: not (_history contains "Clear the table by the bar") and not (_history contains "Clear the table by the window"))[ [[Clear the table by the bar]] [[Clear the table by the window]] ](else:)[ [[Clear the table by the bar]] ]

(set: _history to (history:))You lean to pick up the tankard and almost knock it off the table instead, spilling leftover beer onto your shoes in the process. Great. You take the tankard to the bar and wander back to the table. (if: _history contains "Pick up the plate")[ [[Eavesdrop on the conversation]] ](else:)[ [[Pick up the plate]] [[Eavesdrop on the conversation]] ]

(set: _history to (history:))You pick up the plate, tipping some crumbs onto the floor. Might as well give yourself something to do later. You take the plate over to the bar, before sidling back to the same table. (if: _history contains "Pick up the tankard")[ [[Eavesdrop on the conversation]] ](else:)[ [[Pick up the tankard]] [[Eavesdrop on the conversation]] ]

You listen intently while brushing pork scratching crumbs off your apron. What are they blabbering on about now? Something about a new arrival in town? You can't quite make out everything they're saying, but moving closer might give you away. [[Stay where you are]] [[Move closer]]

You stay close to the table, but find yourself leaning towards Albert and your boss. Still too far to hear them well. You lean a bit more. Crash. Now you've done it. Knocking a table over is not the best way to avoid attention. [[Pick up the table.]]

You notice a half-eaten pickled egg lying under the table closest to the bar. You move to pick it up, close enough to hear every word Albert is saying. [[Listen.]]

"What on earth are you doing, Jane? That table had better not be broken, or it'll come out of your wages!" "This crummy table would be worth more as firewood anyway! But don't worry, Griff, it's not broken." "Oi, that's Mr Clackson to you. Stop messing about and do some bloomin' work." "Yes boss." You right the table with a bang and try to look busy polishing its scratched and stained surface with your apron. [[Find a way to move closer.->Move closer]]

"Would I lie to you, Griff? I'm telling you, the Royal Mystery Shopper is in town. Got here last Wednesday, they say." "How does anyone know for sure when they got here? No-one can recognise them, not with those creepy, featureless faces." "And you're quite the expert on featureless faces, judging by young Jane there." [[Object]] [[Keep listening]]

"Oi! I heard that, Albert, you horrible old gossip. I'd rather have my face than your bright red nose!" "Jane!" Griff Clackson's face looks like thunder. "That is no way to speak to a valued customer. Apologise right now, or you'll spend the rest of the afternoon in the cellar." [[Apologise]] [[Refuse]]

You bite back a response, determined not to draw attention to yourself. You'll get your own back next time he comes in. Some used sawdust in his ale, perhaps. "You're not wrong there, Albert. So what else have you heard then? Has the Shopper shut anyone down yet?" "Oh yes indeed. A couple of hours after arriving, I heard. Old Floggit and Sons, down the high street. Can't say I'm that surprised though." [[Sneak a glance at Griff.]]

You sigh dramatically and attempt to plaster a look of contrition onto your face. "I'm sorry, Albert." Albert laughs. "Was that your best attempt at looking sorry? Come on now, Jane, I meant it as a compliment. You'd make a fine Royal Mystery Shopper. If you ever washed, of course." [[Lunge at him]] [[Insult him back]]

"I will not! You'd better start treating me well, Griff Clackson, if the Royal Mystery Shopper really is in town. If I'm not a happy employee, who knows how badly I could mess up our inspection? Although the stench that hits you just walking through the door of this disgusting place is probably enough to have us shut down." Uh oh. Have you gone too far? [[Look at Griff.]]

You move swiftly, ready to shove Albert right off his stool, but Griff reaches over the bar and grabs you by the shoulder. "Right, that's enough of you. Get down those stairs. I want to be able to see my handsome, expressive face in the cellar floor by the time you're done cleaning down there. Go on!" [[Stomp down the cellar stairs.]]

"Me? I heard the last time you washed was when the King died, and you fell in the river trying to gawp at the funeral procession as it crossed the bridge." Albert is uncharacteristically speechless. Must have hit a nerve there. Griff gives you a stony look. "That's quite enough out of you, Jane. Come on, leave poor Albert alone and do some work for a change. That cellar won't clean itself." [[Stomp down the cellar stairs.]]

(align: "=><=")[''To be continued...''] Thank you for playing! I have big plans for developing this story, so please do share your feedback. Are you intrigued by the idea of a medieval Royal Mystery Shopper and one barmaid's quest to save a grubby tavern? (align: "=><=")[[[PLAY AGAIN->Start]]]

"Listen here, young lady. You know as well as I do that a bad inspection won't just affect me. You would no longer be an 'employee', let alone a happy one. Do you really want to go back to your dusty little village and herd goats all day?" "No. Fine. But you should still treat me better. I have feelings, you know?" Albert smirks. "How could he know, petal? What with your blank face and all?" [[Lunge at him]]

Griff looks a little shaken at the news. "Floggit you say? Oh deary dear, what'll he do now? I dare say his sons will be alright, but Floggit Senior will have to retire. Looks like I'll have to find a new fruit wine supplier." "Floggit's just the start, you mark my words. There's plenty of businesses in town that won't live up to the Queen's new standards. Can't blame her for being embarrassed, mind, after no other royal families were brave enough to come here for her coronation." [[Pretend to pick up something else.]]

You make a little show of scooping some imaginary crumbs into your apron. Trust you to pick the only clean spot in the tavern. "I'm sure the Queen has her reasons, but if she's not careful there'll be no vintners, ale houses, blacksmiths, or anything else left to inspect. Using Royal Mystery Shoppers to catch us out doesn't give us a lot of credit. All those charters we're supposed to follow now. For whose benefit?" "Well, she seems to think tourism is the answer to the Kingdom's financial troubles. But you're right, shutting down businesses doesn't help the coffers much." [[Stand up.]]

"There you are, Jane. Have you finished pretending to work now?" Huh. Griff is sharper than you give him credit for. [["Er... Yep, all done."]]

"Lovely. Get down that cellar then and give it a good tidy." "Alright. But don't forget, Griff, you ought to start treating me better if the Royal Mystery Shopper really is in town. If I'm not a happy employee, who knows how badly I could mess up our inspection? Although the stench that hits you just walking through the door of this disgusting place is probably enough to have us shut down." Uh oh. Have you gone too far? [[Look at Griff.]]

(align: "=><=")[<h3>The Royal Mystery Shopper</h3>] (align: "=><=")[<h4>Chapters One and Two</h4>] (align: "=><=")[<h4>By Katie Benson</h4>] (align: "=><=")[[[Start your adventure->Start]]]